Better Than None Read online

  “Morning.” I giggled.

  “Morning yourself.” He leaned in and kissed me. “Think you can stand?” I nodded and got up slowly. When we were both standing he pulled me into a hug. “That was amazing.” He whispered against me and I smiled and nodded.

  “It was really, really good.” I giggled again. “I want to do it again.” He pulled back and grinned.

  “You’ve heard of a refractory period, right?”

  I laughed and nodded.

  “Plus, how do you have any energy left? You’ve already had a full day! You ran, fed the dogs, went to your mom’s, and then this. Don’t you need a nap?”

  I smiled and shrugged. So he had heard me come and go throughout the morning. “Mmmm, nap sounds good. But right now, I probably need to rinse off, get dressed and get my ass into work.”

  He nodded and we both finished up quickly. Moving around him in the shower was oddly comfortable, handing each other the soap, ducking in and out of the water for the other without words. Odd. All very odd.

  As we dried off, I couldn’t keep the shit-eating grin off my face, even when I wasn’t looking at him.

  “Would you like to share with the rest of the class?”

  “I’m not sure I can put it all into words… but it’s good.”

  He took a long look as he was wont to do. When he stared at me like this it was simultaneously unnerving and endearing. Eventually he leaned over, kissed my forehead and left the bathroom. My makeup routine was minimal and after throwing on some jeans, heels and a sweater, I met Brad in the kitchen watching him go from the refrigerator to the cabinets and then back to me. “Do you eat at all?!”

  His tone had gone from tender and playful to accusatory in a matter of minutes and I couldn’t help but be defensive and confused. “I, um, I wasn’t expecting company.”

  “That’s not what I’m talking about. There’s no food here! One yogurt an apple and some peanut butter doesn’t count!”

  “Why are you suddenly angry about what food I have in my refrigerator? Do you have low blood sugar or something?”

  I wasn’t trying to be funny but he smiled and seemed to snap out of whatever mood had overtaken him so quickly. “No, I don’t have low blood sugar. I, I, I didn’t mean to snap.”

  “Okaaaay. What just happened between the shower and the kitchen?”

  “You need to take care of yourself, that’s all.” He said quietly. I still wasn’t sure why he was so mad but I didn’t appreciate the implication.

  “Wow. Ok. I take care of myself just fine, thanks. Don’t worry, I’m not looking for anyone to take care of me if that’s your inference. So uh, congratulations, we have officially taken countless steps backwards. You can show yourself out.”

  I started to walk away and he grabbed my arm. I pulled against it and both Vincent and Claude started growling. Brad released me and I glared at him as both dogs continued their low rumble.

  “Stephanie, will you please call your dogs off?” he said through gritted teeth.

  I rolled my eyes, turned around, snapped my fingers and made a hand gesture for them to sit. They followed my orders immediately and I praised them. “Good boys.” I turned back to Brad.

  “Now you can leave.”

  “Stephanie, please just listen to me for a second.”

  I crossed my arms and waited.

  “Look, you have your triggers, and I guess I have mine.”

  “Food is a trigger?”

  His lips turned up ever so slightly as he shook his head. “No, not food per se. Just, look. My wife, er ex-wife almost died because she didn’t take care of herself. She didn’t get mammograms, even after she found the lump she waited…” he trailed off.

  My voice was soft but firm. “I’m not your wife, Brad. I can take care of myself. I have my entire life. Trust me. Ain’t no one else taking care of me but me.”

  “And you’re taking care of your mom…”

  “And?!”

  “And, look, I overreacted. I just don’t think I could handle losing anyone else, that’s all.” He shoved his hands in his pockets. I think his admission surprised even him. “Now, can I hug you, or will Cujo and Killer eat me for breakfast?”

  This time I smiled. Even though part of me wanted to tell him that he didn’t have me to lose, I would have just been saying that out of spite. As messed up as we both were with his kneejerk reaction being to turn cold, and mine being to cut and run, hearing that some part of him cared about me felt good. I motioned for the dogs to lie down and stay, again praising them when they did and then turned back to Brad. “You’re safe.”

  He bent down and picked me up when he hugged me, forcing me to hold on tight as he spoke softly into my ear. “I don’t think we took any steps backwards, Steph. I’m sorry about my outburst. But for me, it was a really great night and morning.” When he was finished, he kissed my hair and then let me down.

  “Me too.”

  CHAPTER 15

  I tried to keep the shit eating grin off my face almost as much as I tried to stop thinking about Brad every damn second. I failed at both attempts. As giddy as I was, the whole scene still terrified me. Everything I’d fought against my entire life was now right there in front of me, lulling me into girlish complacency. Apparently I wasn’t doing very good job of hiding it from others. Even when I talked with my mom on the way in, she heard it in my voice.

  “Steph, honey, did something happen? You sound different.”

  “No, Ma. I’m just tired.”

  “That’s not it. You don’t sound tired. You sound like something else. Oh who knows, maybe it’s just all the meds I have running through me making me crazy.”

  I felt horrible lying but I obviously wasn’t going to talk about Brad, or any other man, with her. The conversation turned back to what had become the new normal: me asking her how she was feeling, if she’d eaten, if she’d thrown up, and if so, how many times, if she was drinking water and staying hydrated, how she slept… Basically, our conversations had turned into an inventory of her health status, upcoming appointments and my encouragement of even the tiniest bit of good news, even if that was congratulating her on finishing a tapioca pudding.

  “Honey, this weekend…” she paused, “I think we should go over some things.”

  All the literature and advice talks about the importance of getting one’s affairs in order and having frank conversations with loved ones. But the reality of bringing the topic up is something else entirely, so I was relieved that she was the one to raise it. I’d thought about it countless times but couldn’t figure out how to say it without sounding like a cold-hearted vulture. Her pragmatism and realism surprised and saddened me. For her to raise the issue meant she understood the reality of things. She wasn’t waiting for a man to figure them out for her, she wasn’t playing the helpless female even though for the first time she actually had every right to feel helpless.

  “I think you’re right, Ma.”

  ****

  As close as I tried to keep my cards to my vest, Marty seemed to easily see through me. He might not have known exactly what I was holding, but he knew when it was a good hand and when it wasn’t.

  We had a run-through for an upcoming presentation and while presentations were typically the least favorite part of my job, I was still on cloud nine and it obviously showed.

  “You were great in there, Steph. Nice job.”

  I hated that I blushed so easily, but I had since I was a little girl, and it didn’t seem like it changed at all with age. “Thanks, Marty. I think the whole campaign really came together. Oh God, I probably just jinxed it!”

  He laughed. “I doubt that. The campaign’s solid, and it’s fresh. With everything you’ve got going on, you should be really proud of the work you’ve done.” He paused for emphasis and then added, “I am.”

  “Wow, thanks Marty. That means a lot.”

  “I wouldn’t say it if it weren’t deserved.” He said sincerely. I felt like asking him where he’
d been all my life. He was so unabashedly supportive. I had worked for bosses who thought if they gave even the slightest amount of praise, that employees would take that as a cue to slack off now that they had their pat on the back. But Marty was the opposite and it seemed to be good for business. Aside from myself, most everyone had been there for at least 5 years, some had even been with him for more than a dozen, and in the ad world where people bounced from agency to agency every couple years, that kind of employee loyalty spoke volumes.

  He hung in my doorway, “So, is your mom doing any better?” he asked hopefully.

  I pressed my lips together and shook my head. “Unfortunately, no.”

  He looked surprised. “Hmmm. I’m sorry to hear that. You just seemed, I don’t know, lighter.”

  Just then my phone buzzed indicating a text and when I glanced down to see Brad’s name I had to bite my lip to keep myself from grinning.

  “Ok, well, anyway, good job.” Something changed and he looked awkward before leaving my office. Or maybe it was just my perception of things. At the moment, I didn’t really care. All of my attention went to two little words glowing on my phone.

  Third date?

  When?

  Tonight.

  Where?

  Your house. I’m cooking.

  Then I guess you’re shopping too.

  No kidding. What time will you be home?

  7:30

  See you then.

  I felt giddy. I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. And I felt like the day couldn’t pass quick enough.

  When I got to Barb’s my exuberance was quickly quelled. Each day she seemed to get smaller and weaker. She’d looked like she had aged tenfold just in the last couple months. I knew she saw it, but like everything else about this disease, she was too weak to care which, in and of itself, was almost as sad as the symptoms.

  As I pulled up to my house, I was still lost in thought about my mom so that I didn’t notice the car waiting until I got out of mine. I didn’t know if it was because I was still getting used to this whole dating thing, or because switching gears was so dramatic. I wanted to be excited to see him, but I felt like I was betraying the sick woman I’d just seen.

  “Hey.” I said softly as I looked up at him. As usual, he stared at me with an intensity that I felt deep down. He furrowed his brows before leaning in to kiss me lightly on the lips. It had been a mere 12 hours since I’d seen him and I was still trying to process him being there.

  He reached into the car, pulled out multiple grocery bags, and started handing them to me.

  “Um, did you invite someone else over for dinner?”

  He just looked at me and smiled as he gestured for me to lead the way in. When I did, Vincent and Claude were on guard at first, but once they realized they knew him they greeted both of us with their tails wagging, noses busy sniffing him and the grocery bags.

  “Brad, seriously, there’s enough food here for an army. What on earth are you making?”

  “Nothing special. Most of this isn’t for tonight.” He said with a mischievous grin. I still wasn’t following. “I’m eliminating another argument.”

  “You’re stocking my kitchen?!”

  “Well obviously you don’t, and I can’t count on Vincent or Claude to, so yeah.”

  “Who are you?”

  “Someone who might want a midnight snack.” He winked as he started unloading groceries into my refrigerator. It was too much to process and this whole immediate domestic bliss was just plain wacky, so I decided not to fight it. If he wanted to put groceries away, then I would let him. I walked away muttering as I switched out of my heels, put on my tennis shoes and grabbed the dog’s leashes.

  “I’ll be back in a bit, and if you’ve suddenly sprouted wings and are sprinkling fairy dust, at this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised.”

  “Is that another one of your fantasies? Seeing me naked scrubbing your shower and now wearing a Tinkerbell costume?”

  “Those are just the tip of the iceberg. You have no idea.” I teased and just like that, I was happy he was there. “Ok, Tinkerbell, we’ll be back in a few.”

  “Oh, you’re going to pay for that.” He said in low sexy growl and as I walked out, I hoped he’d make good on his threat.

  Walking with Vincent and Claude, I couldn’t wait to get back home. So strange that I’d be coming home to someone. I made a point of not cutting their walk short as I didn’t want to look over eager. By the time we got back, if I didn’t know any better I’d have thought I walked into the wrong house. There was music playing, and the aroma of spices and garlic filled the air.

  He seemed quite comfortable finding his way around my kitchen so I finished up with the dogs, feeding them, and running through our routine before pouring myself a glass of wine from the bottle he’d already opened.

  “To wings and fairy dust,” I offered. He smiled and we toasted. “So, um, can I help?”

  “Sure, you can make the salad. Everything’s on the counter over there.” He pointed to the sink and I made myself useful. We worked in silence for a few minutes but I couldn’t stand it any longer.

  “You’re awfully comfortable in my kitchen. You’re awfully comfortable cooking in someone else’s house.”

  “Would you prefer I be uncomfortable?”

  “No.”

  “Then what is it?”

  “I just can’t imagine the situation being reversed. I can’t imagine being so comfortable or confident in a man’s kitchen who I’d… I don’t know. It’s just, different, that’s all.”

  He stopped what he was doing and turned to me. “Different good or different bad?”

  “Good.” I smiled. “It’s just an adjustment.” He nodded and went back to his cooking. We spent the rest of the time in relative silence.

  Just as we were sitting down, my phone rang. It was Barb’s ring. I had just been there an hour earlier, so the fact that she was calling meant something had happened.

  “Ma, what’s wrong?”

  “Oh, honey, I’m so embarrassed.”

  “Ma, what is it, what’s wrong?”

  “I, I had an accident. You know, my whole system’s been so out of whack and I hadn’t gone for days and, oh, God, it’s just all over. And I’m too weak to shower alone. I’m afraid I might fall.”

  “Ok, Ma. I’ll be right there. Don’t worry, we’ll get everything cleaned up. I’ll be there in five minutes.”

  “Thank you honey. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

  I hung up and turned to Brad. “I’m sorry, I have to go. I don’t know how long I’ll be, but…”

  “Go, Steph. I’ll be fine. Take your time. Do what you need to do.”

  All I could do was nod and then race out of there.

  ****

  When I got to Barb’s she was in tears. “I don’t know how much more of this I can take Stephy. I don’t know if I can do this.” She sobbed.

  “I know Mom, I know. Let’s get you out of this.” I tried to focus on the task at hand rather than talk about abstracts like how long she could endure this suffering. We undressed her and then sat her on the plastic shower chair we’d bought so that she could sit while showering. We both bathed her, she washed her private areas and I just helped rinse and steady her. When she was all finished, I gently helped her frail body out, sat her on the toilet and let her dry herself while I fetched a plastic bag to discard the soiled clothes and bed sheets. I remade the bed and got her into clean clothes and settled her back into bed, trying to make like what had just happened wasn’t a big deal. I didn’t want her any more embarrassed or humiliated than she already was.

  “What am I going to do, Steph?” She looked up at me with watery eyes. I sat on the edge of the bed and smoothed her forehead.

  “We’ll get through this, Mom. We always do. You and me together.”

  “I don’t know, honey. I don’t know if we’re going to get through this one.”

  I swallowed and clenched my jaw
. I didn’t know either. No one did. I was torn between staying there with her and going home. I hated leaving her, and offered to stay, but she convinced me she was going straight to sleep and I couldn’t help but feel guilty that part of me was relieved.

  By the time I got back home, the entire kitchen had been cleaned up, everything was put away and I found Brad on the couch in the family room working on his laptop. A baseball game was on, but the sound was off, the bottle of wine was half empty and Vincent and Claude were asleep at his feet.

  When he looked up, he did one of his usual Brad stares. It felt like he was trying to see into my soul, if I had one. He stood but kept his distance rather than coming right to me.

  “I wasn’t sure if you’d want me to be here or not when you got back.”

  “That makes two of us.”

  The corners of his mouth turned up, but I wasn’t trying to be funny.

  “Do you want me here, Steph?” he asked softly.

  “I have no idea.”

  He tilted his head and raised his eyebrows. “At least you’re honest.”

  “What you see is what you get, Brad. I have no energy to be anything but plain old me. And given everything, I wouldn’t blame you if you walked out right now.”

  “I like plain old you.” he said with a slight smile which softened me.

  “You’re the first man I’ve ever been me with. You’re just racking up the firsts with me.”

  “Who were you before?” he asked genuinely.

  “It doesn’t matter.” I didn’t have the energy for this banter. I bent down and took a big gulp from his wine glass.

  “I don’t suppose you’re hungry.”

  I shook my head.

  “Well, I’d like to stay. But I need you to tell me if you want me here.”

  “Brad, I just bathed my 72 year-old mother because she shit all over herself. I washed her because she’s too weak to safely wash herself. I undressed her, and then dressed her before I put her into the bed that I remade after I stripped it of the sheets she soiled. So, I’m not playing games when I say I really don’t know if I’m better off with you here or not. And frankly, I don’t know if you’re better off here or not.” I took another large sip of wine and then refilled the glass. “And I’m really not sure how to separate the fact that you’re her oncologist, yet you’re sitting here in my house and I don’t know if I can talk with you about what she’s going through because as you said last night, you’re not here as my mother’s doctor, you’re here as Brad, but you know what, I don’t know that I can separate the two. I get that you don’t want to be a doctor 24/7, but I can’t pretend that you’re just a guy who has nothing to do with what I just came from.”